Mamia

That's my grandmas nickname.


I spoke with her two days ago. When I asked we about my grandpa she took a deep breath and said a word I'd been dreading hearing about anyone in my family, but especially when referring to my grandpa. She said, honey, está achacado. My heart dropped to the bottom of my feet.

He's loosing his spirit. It's the most humane way to say, he's... I can't bring myself to type it. If anyone non-Spanish speaking is reading this, Google will have your answer.

So there you have it.

I'm sorry I snapped.

Not now

It's been a while since I've posted I realized just now.
I feel like I had a lot to say in the summer and with the change of season and shorter days I feel I am in a cloudier head space.
I feel like my heart is constantly clouded with thoughts about you. I feel like we go through cycles where things are good, and then we get to a place where we just go through the motions of seeing eachother and meanwhile, we've yet to get a standing O.
I worry that during these darker parts of our cycle I get in my head too much. I fear that the voices get louder and I get angrier about it so I lash it out on you.
You also need to show me more. I'm ok with that if it means we done share a bed 5 nights a week.
Man. I care about you. I feel like this could be a really great union and I hope you feel the same. I'll deal with my stuff so long as you keep by my side. I love you.

My purpose

No, not my purpose in life. That would be a post that would take years to write, because lets be honest, who  ACTUALLY knows what their purpose in life is.

What I want to write about, is an awakening I've had in the last few weeks.

Knowing, and understanding that I moved to Toronto for a reason. I moved to Toronto to pursue a career in PR. To grow as a woman, to learn how to manage my finances,  to live in a new city and to gain a new level of independence.  It has been a great adventure meeting people, working at two different places, meeting a handsome/headache-inducing partner in crime.

I feel like I've been resting on laurels this past summer, and in a way it feels like I lost focus of where I was going. My linear path, now looks crooked, and full of detours. In a conscious effort to move my life along, I know I need to regain that linear peace of mind, one that can rest at night and be powerful, creative and a great leader when awake. 

I am not going to stop at anything to achieve my goals, and I will get my dream job. 

I will succeed. 

I will make a name for myself.

Walking on a cloud

How could I explain? It all came pouring out of me, it was cold and my hands were trembling.

You missed another hangout to pick up a shift. I get money is important, but honey so am I. You front like all is good but little do we know, you've managed to shared nothing. I have stood up twice to say what's up, and I really wish not for a third.

I'll see you on my terms.

Clothes

My big love has always been with clothes.

To set the scene: I'm probably 5 years old, in Colombia. I remember being a little girl and going through my grandmas old Vogue copies just imagining what these clothes would look like on me.. So I plate dress up in my grandmas-- Mamia's closet.

Now, here I am nearly 18 years later. Living in Toronto, in a room the size of a walk in closet. Filled with that many clothes.

So, sometime in the next fee weeks I will be taking a trip to Value Village and donating some clothes.

Until then, stay fresh and don't cheat on me.

Remember

Remember when this love felt all-consuming, all the time. The warm days felt like an extension of your hugs, and the breeze at night made me feel lucky to have your warmth beside me.

All I feel now is a sense of irony. One that I can't seem to shake. It seems to me like we loved too much, too soon. But I just can't wrap my mind around the concept of having loved someone so much I drove them away. I wish you had said something earlier instead of brushing me off... Instead of making me feel unwanted.

I think you are stepping out on this: if not physically, then for sure emotionally. I know there was a switch, and you've been acting weird... I can't tell if you are simply bored with your mundane routine of working a tedious job and drinking everyday or if you simply fell out of love with me. I think, based on the fact that you pulled the rug from under me in May I could give you a similar treatment. But instead I've chosen a higher road. One that will kill you with kindness, so when you acknowledge the fact that you ruined the best thing that's happened to you in years, you will realize what a shit job you've done and how this isn't on me. This is ALL on you. Your lack of communication, your lack of drive in life, your lack of passion for a committed long term relationship. Because really, who the fuck freaks out just before the 5 month mark... Oh, I forgot to tell you: my freak out point is the 1 year mark.

Have fun eating shit in Cayman Islands and don't for a second even think you can have your cake and eat it.

(Dis)appear

You are here, and now you are gone.
It was yesterday when you held my shivering body at night. It's tomorrow and you've gone MIA.
Not that I mind, but I actually do. I do when I feel a tantrum brewing, I do when I see things not meant for my eyes. I mind when I realize how far away I've removed myself from my seriously loved ones. For the rush of a toke? For the hope that maybe you will dignify me by picking up the phone this time?
I wish, oh I wish I could actually tell you how disappointed I am in you. I think you, however are the one wallowing in a pity party. At a bar. Go figure.